A sign of Insanity...

People often say to me, that talking to yourself is a sign of insanity. And yet (as I've said before) some days, it's the only thing that keeps me sane.
While I dont talk to myself out-loud (well, not unless I'm trying to do math or something!) I do have conversations with myself in my head. And it's not a crazy thing at all. At least, not to me!
I just find that talking myself through things, and encouraging myself can get me back into a positive headspace. Writing it down helps even more. When I'm having a day and I'm feeling really crappy and lazy and I'm trying to make excuses to not do things, I sorta become 2 people. The me that is whinging about not wanting to exercise, and the me that says "All right, listen up - You have 32 days to lose 7 kgs. I dont care how impossible you think it is, I dont care if you screw up, I dont even care if you fail. I can accept failure - but I cant accept not trying. So you're gonna try. Hard. Because I know that if you dont get off your butt and do this right now, on weigh in day when you have a gain you're going to regret it. You're gonna beat yourself up over it. And I'm not letting that happen. You're going to get up, and you're going to do this. NOW." And you know what? I do. It's self-talk like that that reminds me why I'm here, and what I have to do to get to where I want to be. It's that simple. The usual "I cant be bothered" me VS. the "personal-trainer/better-judgement" me. When it comes down to it, I can talk myself into feeling motivated. I could probably talk myself into just about anything if I tried. I dont care if it's a sign of insanity. Because if insanity is what makes me focus and stay positive, then insanity is what I want.
That said, I am expecting a gain on Monday, and I am ok with that. Simply because things arent as organised as what they were last week. We're starting to move boxes into the new place tomorrow, but probably wont be completely moved out until nearer the end of next week. The painters are still doing touch-ups, the builders are still doing the fence, the railing on the balcony has to be put up, the curtains havent arrived yet, and I think they're still doing paving and concrete as well. So there's a bit of a hold up. Even once we're moved in, there will still be guys there finishing up jobs. That should make my life interesting!
As I'm typing this, I'm sitting in my room surrounded by stacks of boxes. I'm actually pretty much living out of boxes now (and will be for at least the next 5 days). I've moved about 12 times in my life, and I actually like it...It's fun, and I like the change. But on the other hand, this time around it's disrupting my plans and I just want to get it over and done with so that my life can get back in order. I need to get my stuff organised, and I badly want my gym equipment set up properly so I can get into it. I really want to not have to worry about anything else, so that I can spend the next few months focusing primarily on weight loss. I'm not working at the moment, so I want to make the most of it while I can. Health (mental and physical!), fitness and weight loss is gonna be my priority. I know exactly what I want/need to do, I've created a challenge for myself, and I have a "Reward Points" system planned. It's just a matter of getting it underway! It's all very exciting and weight-loss-game-ish (Haha) and I'm looking forward to the challenge.
Roll on moving day!

Gave our notice. Within 2 weeks, we'll be outta here. Things are happening really fast. It's crazy. Hectic. It's only 10.20pm and I'm exhausted. (I usually dont get tired til at least 12.30am!)
Weigh-in today was pretty good. Down 1.6 kg. Which means I only need to lose 4.6 more and I'll be an 80's girl. No freakin' way!
I'm hoping to get there within the next 5 weeks; by my 21st. Losing a kg a week would be wicked...but with my track record, it's looking kinda doubtful. I'm gonna set myself a 5 week challenge and kick my ass to get the absolute best results I can in that time frame. Because I do NOT want to gain right now.
Moving house will disrupt my schedule (and usually ends up with skipping meals, missing workouts, and having takeaways because they're the quick and easy option) but I guess with some planning I can avoid all that. Just gotta lead with my brain rather than my mood.
Started counting points and tracking again today, which I havent done in a long time. Will probably only do it for a couple weeks to make sure I'm staying where I should be, and to see if I need to make any improvements.
I better get going...want to write up some challenge guidelines on my whiteboard for the next 5 weeks before I fall asleep!
Night!

Moving on...

Blah! What a miserable weekend! I caught some kinda stomach bug and spent all of Friday throwing up. Not pretty! Slept for most of Saturday and Sunday and I'm starting to feel like myself again today. Yay!
I ended up weighing myself last week after all, and was way up in the 99's. Due to not being able to keep down any food over the weekend, and losing the TOM water weight, I'm 3 kg lighter today. But I feel like I've 'cheated' and didn't earn the weight loss and therefore it doesnt count. The next loss is all mine though!
Also, I'm moving again soon, probably within the next month. Got a 2 storey house with a huge yard, on the edge of a new subdivision (grandfathers). It's still in the early stages of development, so there are no houses built (and wont be for a while yet). It's just acres and acres of bare land. I'm thinking that if I get copies of the development plans, they'll have all the measurements on them, and I can figure out the distance and run a few laps around the perimeter every day. (I used to walk it when I worked in that area at the end of last year. It's a pretty good distance).
When they eventually do start building, I can always roll the crosstrainer out onto the balcony (which runs along the back of the house and looks out across the subdivision and beyond). That way I'll have a great view, wont get bored as easily as I would running inside, and I wont get in the way of any builders/tradesmen/trucks/machinery etc. New house, new part of town. A change of scenery. I absolutely need that. Can't wait!
I think that's all for now.
I know I rarely update anymore...I'm focusing more on getting out and about, finding myself, and getting over the depression which has meant a lot less time online. Usually I only even turn the computer on for a couple hours on Mondays nights! But I am still out here. I just tend to do my journalling in my private *old fashioned pen-and-paper* journal. I guess I'm at a place where most things going on in my head/heart/life I need to keep close to me. Personal.
Hope ya'll can understand that and bear with me.
Hugs!

Shrinking?

Oh! Also...Several people who hadnt seen me for around 6 months (who didnt even know I was trying to lose weight) commented on how good I'm looking and how much weight I've lost! Which surprised me because when I look in the mirror I dont see any difference and so dont expect anyone else to! Felt good though, having people comment on it, and ask what Im doing and eating - because they want to lose some weight too! Has given me more determination to start putting in some effort again - so next time the family all get together, there will be an even bigger difference! Heh. Here's hoping.

Goodbye...

Today was a very hard day.
I arrived at the funeral so determined to be strong. I dont know why, but I didnt want to cry. Possibly because I had a feeling that once I started, I wouldnt be able to stop.
It was a full house - there werent enough seats, and people were lined up along the back walls. She touched a lot of lives. She was truly loved.
Generally everyone who got up to speak shared funny stories and memories of her, which was great - everyone was laughing and cherishing the good times, which she would have wanted. But there were also times where I had tears in my eyes and was fighting to hold them back. Every time I looked around the room and saw a glimpse of someone else crying, it broke my heart. I think I spent most of my time staring at my hands and biting my lip, trying not to lose it. In the last 10 minutes they played this incredibly emotional song...and the family members all went up the front to put a flower on the coffin. Somewhere between the start of the song, and the getting to the front of the room, I lost it. The tears were streaming down my cheeks and there was no stopping them. So much for being the strong one. (Sorry Grandma - But I'm gonna cry for you, whether you like it or not!). Everyone headed outside after they had done the flower thing. Guess we all needed some air. The mood lightened a lot after that. Lots of talking and hugging and catching up with family members that hadn't been together for years. I dont think I've ever had that many hugs in my whole life. Heh. It was good to catch up with people. It's sad, but the only time everyone gets together on that side of the family is at funerals. Some of them I hadn't seen since I was about 10! And some I dont remember ever meeting before. Which is entirely possible. Theres a lot of relatives, and they cant all make it to everything all the time. Some day, we'll have a proper reunion. Cuz reunions at funerals arent the best way to go!
After the service everyone headed to this bar/restaurant place...they have a room for functions, so we used that. Had an open bar (Yep. People got hammered.), and a lotta pool tables...so everyone sat/stood/walked around and talked, drank, played pool and just caught up and had a good time. (After taking some time to try and figure out who was who. Hah. Next time, we're gonna need name tags. And a list of who's related to who :P ).
We were there for hours. It was great. When we eventually left, we picked up takeaways on the way home. And Mums oldest bro and his wife and kids did the same and came back to our place.
The only good thing about death, is that it brings the people left behind together.
It feels like Friday.

Rest in Peace Grandma.

Love you lots.

"Colour Co-ordinated"
XOX.

Here we go again

Well, I'm back.

Spent 10 days in Tauranga and Auckland. I'm not a city person at all, but I had fun. I think I needed the change. Played putt putt in Mt Maunganui with 16 of us together, which was crazy and a lot of fun. Even the baby was happy crawling round the course chasing balls! God it felt good to laugh, and to not care about anything. Went to the beach, the mall, the museum, the movies, all the usual stuff. And I saw my family who moved to Aucks from South Africa at the start of the year, and met their baby boy who is absolutely gorgeous!

I haven't gotten on the scales yet, but I know for sure that I'm gonna have to do some serious damage control! I'm guessing I gained a few kg.
Completely forgot to weigh in this morning. Which shows I'm not obsessing over my weight as much as I was. I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing...I dont really care. I was up and about at 5am and didnt even think about getting on the scales. I think I'll leave it til next week which will hopefully give me time to undo some of the damage anyway.

Got a phone call earlier tonight...to tell us that my Great-Grandma had just passed away. She has been sick for a long time...so many times we were told that she wasnt expected to make it through the night...and yet she always did. 7 years on, and she's finally free. She's suffered a lot. Cancer. Stroke. Dementia. She didnt even know what was going on around her anymore. It hurts that she's gone...but at the same time, it's ok. Will find out the funeral arrangements tomorrow.

This week is gonna be rough.

The past month has been...weird. A total rollercoaster. And already, it's looking like this one will be the same. But ya know...it's ok. I'm still here, still breathing...and for as long as I have that, anything is possible.
I'm walking by faith.

It's been a long day, so I'm off to bed.

Thanks to all of you who emailed me...I truly appreciate your encouragement and concern.
Hugs to Linda. You're an angel. Thanks for being so supportive!

Night all.
xox

Happy Birthday Cam!

Never forgotten.

Rest in Peace.

Just a quick note

First off, didn't weigh in today. I am way too depressed and emotional right now to worry about what the scales want to tell me. I dont even care. Weight loss can take a back seat for a couple weeks. Emotionally and mentally, I have much bigger issues to deal with.
I've had a rough week, and am slowly spiraling downhill. Cant go into details. But I'm just tired...tired of worrying and stressing out, tired of caring.
I spent the afternoon sitting out in the pouring rain, getting soaked through, crying, thinking and reflecting. Cold and wet, with rain (and tears) streaming down my face. And you know what, it felt good. It's the best I've felt in over a week! So good that I stopped crying, and sat there in the storm looking up at the sky, laughing, and singing along to Christian Rock songs on my mp3 player. Am I insane? Maybe. It wouldnt surprise me. But for a few hours, the weight was off my shoulders and I was happy. I need to take more time to sit in the rain. To dance in the rain. To be free.
I've come to the conclusion that I need to get away. Again. From everyone and everything and just be alone with God, paint, and a blank canvas.
SO I wont be online for a couple of weeks. Maybe longer. I'll see how it goes.
I really dont want to have to go back on anti-depressants. So I need to fix myself. By myself.
Stay safe and healthy.
XOX
Lee.